My dating and personal life has always been an open book but I’ve carefully omitted a few chapters for fear of judgment. Sometimes when you admit things to people or even to yourself, you find yourself raising an eyebrow in confusion a time or two. I know for me personally I usually shy away from writing my most honest truth because even though its mine, I don’t like my reality. So in my own little mind, maybe if I don’t write it, the words won’t bring life to it. Out of sight out of mind kind of thing? However, that doesn’t stop the truth from being just that, the TRUTH.
“It takes courage to speak your truth, even when it’s ugly.”
My truth is I’ve been willingly for quite a long time accepted the role of what our modern day society will call “side chick”. A side chick is a woman who dates or is involved with someone who she knows is in a relationship with someone else. She accepts the role to be his number 2 option and pretty much stays in that lane.
For me it didn’t start out that way. It began like a normal dating relationship. There were breakfast and lunch dates. The quality time spent was right on track with a new couple getting to know each other. Nothing seemed peculiar to me, at first. He was a little guarded but so was I. I figured we could bring the best out of each other. Somehow along the way the lines of communication crossed and the dynamics of our relationship changed. I no longer became priority on his list. Our time together slacked off as we drifted in that familiar zone of uncertainty. We became so “off and on”. Our relationship was more like a game now, with me chasing trying to catch him. I was so caught up. Like a crack head chasing my first high. It was just that deep.
Then I found about her and their family. I was three years in deep by then. It was an accident he said. Explain the marriage license I said. I sat there crying and shaking my head. What am I supposed to do now? I took some time apart. But that loneliness…she’s a bitch I tell you. I tried dating others but no one compared to him. That’s my problem though, comparing everyone to him.
I loved him. I still do. I like to tell myself I’m trapped in this relationship. Held bound by my love and feelings for an individual who has caused great harm to my emotional well-being, still trying to figure out a way to untie these soul ties.
Soul ties are deep. A spiritual/emotional connection you have to someone after being intimate with them, usually engaging in sexual intercourse. To the point that when you want to be rid of them from your mind and your life, even when you are far away from them and out of their presence you still feel as if they are a part of you and apart of you is with them, Causing you to feel un-whole, as if you’ve given up some of yourself intangible that cannot be easily possessed again.
I’m taking this day by day.
This is my truth.