If only you knew how I have avoided writing this piece. I haven’t updated or even looked at my blog in months. MONTHS. As a writer, and someone who is obsessed with expressing herself through words, it’s unacceptable. But… I have a reason. And I’m back…for now.
Let’s be honest.
I moved to Atlanta.
This is something I had been wanting to do for years. Originally, two other cities were on my radar, but I received a job offer in Atlanta.The decision to move weighed heavily on me for weeks. Every time I visited Atlanta. I was happy. I flourished. I visited my favorite restaurants, stayed in my favorite hotel, I was happy. Atlanta was warm, rustic, chic, glitzy..all the things I loved. And then I moved here.
I fell into a deep depression.
As someone who was diagnosed with depression and acute anxiety in my early twenties, an episode can go really bad. I thought I had learned how to manage it. Sit in the sun. Get out of the house. Go look at model apartments and homes for design inspiration. Do anything but sit in the house. Unfortunately, when I moved to Atlanta, it was the beginning of winter so there was no sun to bask in. I was constantly lost on the highways and streets so I wasn’t driving anywhere that didn’t consist of work and home.
What Caused This?
That’s the thing about depression. It comes and it goes. It shows up unannounced like Jehovah’s witness at your door on a Saturday morning. Only thing is depression, overstays their welcome. Depression is the uncomfortableness before growth. For me, I believe unmet expectations triggered it, the weather intensified it, the reality settled it, and the state of my psyche dragged it on.
I overthink my life.
I always have. I have had it in my mind, that at 30 years old I am supposed to be a trillion times better or ahead than where I am currently. I was supposed to be married. Have babies. (Lauren) Be a homeowner. Be financially stable. Have this amazing career. In short, just have SHIT figured out. I don’t. 30 Came and hit me so fast and I was starting my life over in a new city, no closer to my dreams than I was 5 years ago. THAT HURTS. It still does honestly, even though I know I have to STOP being so hard on myself.
I can’t help it. I don’t have answer for anyone who is going through something similar. I just pray. Pray until I’m blue in the face. Until tears are streaming down my face and I’m having shouting matches with GOD in my house, begging, asking, pleading with him to make this right. Make this worth it. Make it make sense. Me and God talk quite often. One of my go to phrases are “God, if it’s for me, make it plain and clear. If it’s not, remove it out of the path for what is coming my way.”
Then in natural Robyn Fashion, I’m bent out of shape when it makes it plain and clear and removes whatever it is (jobs, men, friendships) out my life. All the while, he has something better in store.
Let’s talk about relationships.
Because if I’m being honest, I SUCK at them. I require too much. Settle for far too less. Pacify entirely more than necessary. Need an inordinate amount of love. A trigger of mine, is not being needed. Not feeling wanted. There are so many things that are issues with my love life, but those are what stand out to me. I place an emphasis on respect and love, but could care less for monogamy and fidelity. Backwards right?
I love hard y’all. I really do. I can’t help it. In all of my “situation-ships” Once I’m in, I’m in. If I like him, I’m doing what necessary to prove to him he needs to have me in his life. I’m cooking, cleaning, sexing, mentoring, counseling, encouraging, uplifting, listening, trying to be his homie, lover, and friend. I GOES ALL THE WAY. But then…. shit happens. Sometimes my fault, most of the times NOT. Once the shit happens, the relationship shifts. Let me give you some examples.
(Note: If it didn’t last 6 months or more, it’s a situationship, not a relationship.)
- One man was still married to a woman who lived overseas.
- One man hated black women.
- One man wasn’t the man he wanted to be, so he pretended.
- One man was used to being chased by women, so he couldn’t accept my independent nature.
- One man was too focused on his business, and believed women would eventually come.
- One man had a plethora of children and women to match, and needed a woman to anchor him through life.
- One man couldn’t get over his last break up.
- One man couldn’t deal with being placed child support for a child he never met.
- One man was married. Just period.
- One man couldn’t decide who he wanted to be with.
These are men I’ve encountered over a 13 year period, in no particular order. It’s enough to make me want to give up completely on dating, love, relationships, all of that. I’m tired. I really am.
I’m super private with whomever I’m dating, because I STAY taking L’s. I’m serious.
Then I start thinking…
It has to be me right? You have to start with the man in the mirror always. What am I lacking? What am I bringing to the table? What are my weaknesses? My strengths? Self evaluation will humble your ass in quickness.
I desire an urgent reciprocal kind of love and I’m tired of apologizing for that. People make you out to be weak for wanting what was promised to you from your creation. God didn’t put us on Earth to be alone. We come in pairs. Everyone is from someone. Woman is from Man’s rib, it’s up to us to let faith lead us back to it. Yes, other things in life matter, but LOVE, true love, is necessary and urgent.
I’m not perfect.
However, I never claimed to be either. I know my struggles, but I also know my worth and as hard as it is, I’m holding on to a sliver of hope that eventually a silver lining will come my way.
Relationships are not my only driving factor.
As I mentioned before, where I want to be in life, drives me daily and impacts my decisions on almost everything I do. I constantly overthink. Over analyze. I’m always thinking 10 or even 20 steps ahead. I attribute that to my Virgo nature.
I repeat affirmations daily. They’ve been helping. I recite my accomplishments. Reiterate my goals. I focus on the now. Live in the moment. I sit in front of the mirror 3 x a week and praise myself. This helps me to stop looking for validation from others. I compliment myself flaws and all. It’s breaking me down some days, but it’s necessary for my growth.
I’m 30 years old, I’m single, I’m childless. But that doesn’t define me. I’m a published author, I’m capable of giving and receiving love. I’m intelligent, capable, creative, a great friend, a sister, a daughter, an auntie, I’m beautifully flawed, courageous, and most importantly saved by his grace and mercy. A lot of days, I didn’t know how I was gonna make it to the next one. But God stepped in plenty of times and pulled me from the edge. He really gets all the glory for this piece especially, and my accountability partners. They know who they are.
Until Next Time,